Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
[x]

deviantART

 


The cold metal bit at his wrists.  Two benches and small table, both bolted to the floor, were all that adorned the otherwise barren room.  The only sounds that could be heard were the emotionless drone of the ventilation system and his own breathing.

        Just fifteen and he was here, the single color jumpsuit issued to him too large on has gaunt frame.  He was no longer Marcus Ashford, his number becoming his identity. 262777695.  “Kind of ironic”, he thought, “it was numbers that got me here in the first place.”

        Footsteps approaching in the hall outside disturbed him from his thoughts.  There was a rattle of keys and the door opened. A parade of suits followed by a burly black security guard entered the room.  The door closed behind them.

        He did not make eye contact with any of them, but a smug grin showed he was not intimidated.  They spoke to him, but he hardly payed attention. A torrent of legal terms recieved nothing more than a monosyllabic answer at best. Finally, they left, leaving him alone with the guard.  M. Baldwin read the name badge.

        Baldwin spoke, “Get up, we’re going.”  He didn’t need to say where. There was only one place they could be headed.  The place they said would be his home for the next six months.  A doubtlessly bland cell with the same minimal decor.

        It could have been longer, but the judge had been lenient, saying “he’s just a kid, didn’t know any better.”  “Stupid bastards, I wouldn’t have gotten where I was if I didn’t know what I was doing.”  Slowly, Marcus obliged, in no particular hurry to get where they were going.  

        “Hey,” getting Baldwin’s attention, “little help?” nodding towards his worn backpack carrying the few things he had been allowed to bring.

        Baldwin bent over and picked up the backpack with no visible effort.  Apparently thinking the lanky teen to be of little threat in comparison to the others bound to be present. He was motioned to go first, proceeding down the hallway, Baldwin following close behind.  It could have been a school, except for the noticeable lack of activity in the halls, and the unbreakable mesh in each window.  

        They arrived at the door, he only had a moment to see the new name plate secured to the door.  Above it a more worn looking one bearing the name P. Miller.  The door opened, and he was ushered inside.  Baldwin removed the handcuffs, and he sat on the bunk rubbing his wrists.  Baldwin told him the others were out on grounds time, his roommate would return soon.

        He nodded, and Baldwin was almost out the door before he spoke. “What does the M stand for?”, the muscular man stood there a moment perplexed before Mark slowly pointed to his chest.  Realizing what he meant he said almost friendly “Methuselah, Methuselah Baldwin. But don’t tell the guys or they will never let me live it down.”    Then he was gone, leaving Marcus alone with his thoughts again.  “First guy I’ve met that’s treated me with any respect,” Marcus thought.

        It would be a game of waiting.  He had a failsafe, but it wasn’t scheduled to activate for another three weeks.  Knowing this he reached for his backpack.  Unzipping it he pulled out a dog eared copy of A Tactical Schematic of the Enterprise C.  Leaning back, he opened to the page he’d left off.  “Too bad there weren’t detailed plans of the detention facility, could be of some use.”  Was his last thought before becoming absorbed in the book.  

        He took little more than a glance when P. Miller came in the room.  Miller was exactly what you’d expect of someone that was here.  Stocky and musclebound, a shaved head.  Even a small tattoo adorning his right shoulder, just visible on the edge of his ripped off sleeves.  He practically screamed delinquent.  But he did not speak, he stoically lay on  his bunk on the other side of the room.  Marcus returned his full focus to reading after a moment of silence.

        Miller spoke, “you know they are gonna beat your ass if you do that.”  Without looking up from his book Marcus responds confidently, but with the sigh of someone resigned to there fate “why don’t you, there is nothing I could do, anyways.”  This leads only to another quiet spell from the puzzling roommate.

        Finally, Miller shifts a little and carefully chose his words “you don’t look like you belong here.  What did you do?”  Marcus Ashford looks up from his book, for the first time giving the strange neighbor his full attention.  His deep-set eyes, somehow piercing in there dull glimmer.  “Im a hacker, I hijacked the internet. ...the whole internet.”
©2005-2009 ~meshugga
:iconmeshugga:

Author's Comments

I was struck with muse, a rare occurence. So, being one to listen to my muse when it is around, I did this when i should have beem doing homework. I kind of left it open ended on purpose for two reasons. One to leave y'all hanging *maniacal laughter* (I was actually almost strangled by a friend because he wanted the rest of the story) The other is. This is really all i intended to do with this story.

A special thanks to Danielle, who was my inspiration for this story.

And Saelio! you better have a damn big critique of this. I want to improve.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconpurewolfblood:
....WANT MORE TO READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But otherwise I like your choice of words, and it's nicely done! Love you..

--
Over thinking, over analyzing
separates the body from the mind.

Withering my intuition, missing opportunities
and I must feed my will to feel my moment
drawing way outside the lines.
:iconschrodingersfox:
Very nice. You've done a good job with creating an oppressive atmosphere in the story. And I must admit, I do like Marcus. Seems a little familiar... *nudge*

Now, since you marked Advanced Critique...

"He was no longer Marcus Ashford, his number becoming his identity." Comma splice! I have the worst problem with these; and they are the Devil. ---> Some suggestions are: "He was no longer Marcus Ashford. The number they gave him had become who he was.", or "He was no longer Marcus Ashford. His identity had been reduced to a strip of digits."

"Finally, they left, leaving him alone..." First comma doesn't really need to be there. ---> Ex: "Finally they left, leaving him alone..."

“he’s just a kid, didn’t know any better.” ---> Capitalize the "H." Also, is the "Stupid bastards" part a thought or his he muttering it? It's not very clear.


"Knowing this he reached for his backpack. Unzipping it he pulled out a dog eared copy of A Tactical Schematic of the Enterprise C."---> Commas after 'this' and 'it.' If you don't like using commas as much, perhaps re-write it?

"'...could be of some use.'” Was his last thought before becoming absorbed in the book." Correct dialouge punctuation would be: ---> "'...could be of some use,' was his last thought..."

"..he stoically lay on his bunk..." ---> 'Lay' should be 'laid down"

"...someone resigned to there fate" ---> 'There' should be 'their.'

"...there fate 'why don’t you, there is nothing I could do, anyways.'” Punctuation and capitalization! In this case, it would be: ---> "their fate, 'Why don't you...'"
"...chose his words “you don’t look..." Same thing here. ---> "...words, "'You don't...'"

"Im" Apostrophe! ---> "I'm"

"'Im a hacker, I hijacked the internet.'" ---> Comma splice again. Normally, I wouldn't mention it since it's in dialouge. But in the context it seems like it should be in two sentences just for dramatic effect.

"'...the whole internet.'" Capitalize. It's a new sentence. ---> "'...The whole internet."

The last two paragraphs suddenly switch to present tense. It's a little jarring, after you've already established the past tense. Also, present tense = Satan. Some writers can use it, and some can't. The ones who can are numbered in the tens and have really big mansions. Stick with past tense.
----------
Good work. I give you an 89.

--
Welcome to scenic DramaLlama Ranches, where we continue our celebrated tradition of culling the emo since 1952.
:iconanothasugrh1gh:
hah i could never make a comment as long as the one above, so all ill say is this is great. i really enjoyed reading it, you have alot of talent in writing. the only problem i noticed was the change between tenses at the last paragraph. besides THAT, great job. it was interesting from the begining, which is good. yep.

--
Thats Beast.
:iconredtalons:
great prose. nicely done and enjoyed reading it
:iconmeshugga:
Hey thanks, it was fun.

--
BECAUSE!...i have candy corn
oh god...
scientist1: "hes got the candy corn, somebody get a tranquilizer!"
me: *gnaws on candy corn...on top of cupboards*
scientist2: "where gonna need a bigger cage!"
-an imaginary conversation i had with me gf
==
:iconmeshugga:
Yeah, the really long comment above, is from the Saelio mentioned in the description. "and Saelio, you better leave a damn big critique for this."
Yeah, I didnt even notice i'd changed tenses till he pointed it out.

Thanks, I dont get inspired very often. But Id like to think that when i do, it is something productive.
and short stories are awesome. They dont get lost by my short attention span...wanna go ride bikes?

--
BECAUSE!...i have candy corn
oh god...
scientist1: "hes got the candy corn, somebody get a tranquilizer!"
me: *gnaws on candy corn...on top of cupboards*
scientist2: "where gonna need a bigger cage!"
-an imaginary conversation i had with me gf
==
:iconmeshugga:
Thanks, I will go back and fix at least some of those things. May or may not post it. Hadn't even realized I'd switched tenses. Never heard of a comma splice before. You may have to elaborate to me at a later date. Anyways, continue picking everything you see that could be improved into bite sized pieces. It is much appreciated

I got an 89!!!
...I think thats a good thing.

--
BECAUSE!...i have candy corn
oh god...
scientist1: "hes got the candy corn, somebody get a tranquilizer!"
me: *gnaws on candy corn...on top of cupboards*
scientist2: "where gonna need a bigger cage!"
-an imaginary conversation i had with me gf
==
:iconmeshugga:
Bwahaha! There is no more. It was short story with a suspenseful ending! bwah! (I was actually strangled by both John and Greg for this.)

--
BECAUSE!...i have candy corn
oh god...
scientist1: "hes got the candy corn, somebody get a tranquilizer!"
me: *gnaws on candy corn...on top of cupboards*
scientist2: "where gonna need a bigger cage!"
-an imaginary conversation i had with me gf
==

Details

November 8, 2005
5.8 KB

Statistics

11
2 [who?]
130 (0 today)
1 (0 today)

Share

Link
Thumb

Site Map