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“Are we there yet?”

“Almost, it’s just a bit farther.”  

The two teens had just broken out of the tree line.  They’d left their beat up old car at the trailhead just over an hour before.  At first the trail had been easy.  It followed one of countless creeks up into the mountains.  But it quickly turned steep as they followed its path.  

“Water break,” he panted, un-shouldering his cheap nylon backpack and handing a bottle to his companion.  “Where are you taking me?” She asked for the twentieth time.  He smiled at her persistence.  “I already told you, it’s a surprise. It’ll be worth it, I promise.”  

He’d promised her something special for her birthday.  He couldn’t afford anything big even if she’d wanted it, but he hoped above hope that she would like this.  “Money and things aren’t important. People always expect that their next big screen TV or new car will make them happy.  Maybe diamonds will buy them a happy relationship.  But in the end it’s not things that matter.  It’s the love and respect of your family and friends.  That’s what makes you rich.”  She could be exasperatingly wise sometimes, knowledgeable beyond her years.

They’d got a late start up the trail, and it was already beginning to get dark.  A chill breeze whispered through the trees below them.  They both shivered a bit.  “We have to hurry.” He glanced at his watch, picking up his own pace a little as he spoke. “It’s almost time.   It’s Just past the next switchback, not much farther.”  The looming rock face quickly came upon them.

“Follow me, I know the way up.”  He assured her, already scrambling up the inclined surface.  She was not long to follow.  He already stood waiting for her when she got to the top.  “Oh wow…it’s beautiful.”  She said in genuine awe.  Before them seemed to lay the whole world.  An ocean of green rolled out before them.  Dozens of high-mountain lakes sparkled in the sun’s dieing light.  An incomparable lightshow played out before them as the day gave its final agonized throes.  He opened his jacket and held her close as she shivered.  Together they sat, legs dangling, sitting on the edge of the universe.  “I love you big brother.”  “I love you too Sis.”
©2007-2009 ~meshugga
:iconmeshugga:

Author's Comments

This is the result of a speed writing exercise with :iconschrodingersfox: and :iconbayoupoemspinner:. It is interesting how different the stories can turn out from the prompters ideas. That's part of the magic. My prompt was the story title: luminous clouds. I'm not entirely happy with it, but what artist is? Hope you enjoy. Please tell me if you have ideas for improvement. I may or may not consider them, but almost certainly will appreciate honest critique.

Comments


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:iconschrodingersfox:
It's mostly conventions and grammar; otherwise it's really good.

--
Welcome to scenic DramaLlama Ranches, where we continue our celebrated tradition of culling the emo since 1952.
:iconmeshugga:
Well yes, I would say that most language is made up of those things. Thank you.

--
It's all about responsibility. Adults never take responsibility for their actions, and they assume that nobody younger than them is capable of doing so either.
-Karadhas
===

March 11th, 2006 my furday!
:iconschrodingersfox:
xP Fix them.

--
Welcome to scenic DramaLlama Ranches, where we continue our celebrated tradition of culling the emo since 1952.
:iconmeshugga:
But I'm an uber-tard when it comes to grammer's finer points...

--
It's all about responsibility. Adults never take responsibility for their actions, and they assume that nobody younger than them is capable of doing so either.
-Karadhas
===

March 11th, 2006 my furday!
:iconschrodingersfox:
This is true. xP

--
Welcome to scenic DramaLlama Ranches, where we continue our celebrated tradition of culling the emo since 1952.
:iconpurewolfblood:
Very nice. Cute story too, but as Chris said, conventions and grammar. I can spot a few if you'd like, but I see that this work isn't on highly critical... So... Yeah.

--
Over thinking, over analyzing
separates the body from the mind.

Withering my intuition, missing opportunities
and I must feed my will to feel my moment
drawing way outside the lines.
:iconmeshugga:
Really? I could of sworn I'd turned critical on. Oh well, you are welcome to have at it.

--
It's all about responsibility. Adults never take responsibility for their actions, and they assume that nobody younger than them is capable of doing so either.
-Karadhas
===

March 11th, 2006 my furday!
:iconpurewolfblood:
“Water break,” he panted, un-shouldering his cheap nylon backpack and handing a bottle to his companion. “Where are you taking me?” She asked for the twentieth time. He smiled at her persistence. “I already told you, it’s a surprise. It’ll be worth it, I promise.”

needs to be



“Water break,” he panted, un-shouldering his cheap nylon backpack and handing a bottle to his companion.

“Where are you taking me?” She asked for the twentieth time.

He smiled at her persistence. “I already told you, it’s a surprise. It’ll be worth it, I promise.”
____________________________

I know it seems stupid because it takes up much more space, but it's a lot less confusing.

--
Over thinking, over analyzing
separates the body from the mind.

Withering my intuition, missing opportunities
and I must feed my will to feel my moment
drawing way outside the lines.
:iconmeshugga:
Well I'd say that is a matter of opinion rather than a literary rule. But, I'd also say you're right. I'll fix that on my copy.

--
It's all about responsibility. Adults never take responsibility for their actions, and they assume that nobody younger than them is capable of doing so either.
-Karadhas
===

March 11th, 2006 my furday!

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November 18, 2007
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